AHHHH!

I just want to scream and cry and just flip out. I feel like pregozilla about to attack the world. I keep trying to act like Im perfectly fine but lets face it Im 16, baby-dadless, have HBP, stressed with school, forced to leave work, grandma is in recovery, my feet are swollen, i cant even do the simplest of things without being exhausted, this low sodium diet im on has me sick to my stomach, I get terrible headaches, im exhausted BUT cant sleep and by the time I get to sleep I have to get right back up and get ready for school for where the first 3 hours Im on my feet and around chemicals feeling like I want to throw up and pass out. Its safe to say I just want to be done with being pregnant and school and just stay at home with my baby all day, though Ill regret that in the sense of never having sleep or a moment to myself but its way better and way worth it. I just want to be healthy for him but I feel so sick.... Im sorry all I do is complain on here but honestly no one is reading anyways and plus where else am I supposed to reveal my mood swings.

Worth the risk?

Funny how theres always that one guy that seems to keep coming back into your life. You know the kind that makes you mad and breaks your heart but you love unconditionally and the only people to understand why you do is those who also are in love. And am I stupid for letting him creep back into my life? Probably, but would it be a regret all my life wondering what could of been.

Hes the guy that makes my heart skip a beat just from seeing his name and every love song makes me think of him. No, he isn't my babys father but hes the guy I would want to help me raise him. Hes the guy that loves my songs and his laugh just makes me smile. He understand Im sarcastic and likes my loud awkward giggle when he tickles me. And when we kiss its nothing but sparks.

Yes he left me but how much of that was his control. He moved across the country, not state or town, BUT country and do you expect a 18 year old boy who just met a girl a few weeks before he left to give it all up for her? No, I don't and I don't want him to either. Yeah I wish he could of told me he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore rather than after us being "together" for 6 months and then him just falling off the face of the earth , but things happen and we all do things we wish we didnt. But you just got to let love in and give it a try. Pretty much this is me trying to tell myself Im doing the right thing. I know hes a good guy and hes never cheated or lied and wouldn't even hurt my son, but is it worth the risk of another broken heart?

Apology

Most of my blogs are all rambeling nonsense of my misery it seems and I apologize that all you read of me are my negative thoughts so here is one on the happiest part of my life with pictures!

thats my baby boy. The sunshine of my life. He has my dimple and nose and my grandfathers chin. He loves to kick my belly and dance around the classic rock and country. Hes just like his momma, a lil bit country a lil bit rock n roll <3

this is mason samuel mervine throwing up a peace sign, yeah thats right my baby boy is throwing up a peace sign already(:






This is my belly that continues to expand every single day it seems

Masons incredibly cute shoes

The diaper cake my momma made him

And then pregnant chubby me(:

I wish

I wish I had more time in a day.
I wish my car wasn't in the shop.
I wish gas wasn't so expensive.
I wish SAT prep didn't give me a headache.
I wish I wasn't worrying about everything.
I wish I had someone to talk.
I wish I wasn't crying.
I wish he was still in my life because I know I'd feel alright.
I wish he was my baby's dad, and not this guy who just walked away.
I wish my grandmother would just get better.
I wish my mom would come home because I miss her.
I just wish I could stop wishing all these things.
I wish wishes came true...

In the end

In the end it doesn't really matter,
Doesn't matter what you said because you already said it.
Doesn't matter what you did because you already did it.
And once somethings done its done, simple as that.
As far as I know there isn't a time machine laying around there to save you from your "mistakes"
Then again, if we didn't have regrets of the things done we wouldn't know what to become.
The point of this is, is that the past holds so many good and bad things that it's neither good nor bad to focus on it. However, to focus nearly on the present isn't right either since if you just live for the moment you'll have nothing to look forward to, dream of, or work for.
I've lived my life in all different stages;
where I was nostalgic of my past leading me to depression
where I was living only for the moment leading me to drugs
& where I was living for the future, only getting me no where but wanting to speed up
I don't have the perfect balance,
but the only thing I do have is the memories of hopefully recovering grandmother,
the excitment for my baby boy on his way,
and time running out to get ready for work.
I'm not sure what my point was,
it was more of a my mind is on a rambeling spin so let me type as fast I can and see where it gets me.
Well, that's all.
xoxo

Out of my control

The worst things in life are the ones where you can't control them, or don't even have the option too. Most things in life you have some say in it. Drugs, let's say you chose to take them and maybe you're addicted but it's youre choice to keep going and not get help. Lying, you chose to lie and you have to live with the guilt, but it was your choice. Pregnancy, you can't neccesarily control getting pregnant to an extent, but you can chose what you do from that point forward, keeping the baby (abortion/adoption), raising the baby and being a good mother and doing what's best for the child. School, to an extent it's youre choice, are you going to stay enrolled, are you going to do youre homework and study, are you going to get the best education so you're future will be easier? But the one thing you can't control is death.

Over the past few weeks things have been crazy. My beloved step grandma had a stroke and is on a roller coaster of if she is going to make it or not. A week after her stroke, one of my very close friend's brother passed. Though I didn't know him well I knew him and had memories of him and I was obviously sad. My more pain was for her since I have a brother and couldn't imagine losing him, and because with death in the air my mind was in the same state as hers. Currently my grandma is still hanging and hopefully will be strong and pull through. There's nothing I can do about it and that's the worst part. All I can do is hope for the best. I would say she's in my prays, but (and please don't judge me) I fail to believe in god with my past and just hope that the universe knows what there doing in making this amazing lady suffer.

To all of you who have lost a loved one you understand how powerless you feel in a situation like this. And I can't help but recall that night before where it was the first time I ever took of the locket she gave me, and then the next morning this happened. I know it wasn't my fault, but it still shakes me up.

Well lots of love to all <3

Are you on a budget?

If you're a teen, a mom, or both you are most likely on a budget. You want the nice clothes, make up, hair care supplies, and all that other jazz but don't wanna break the bank. Well I've got a few products that will just make your day then.

Make-up:
For your make up there are some things you can go cheap on and some you can't.

eye-shadow:- if you like lots of different looks and colors check on coastal scents 88 pallett
                    it's about $15 and is great quality, plus you get tons of colors so you can do any look
                    - other good eye-shadow brands (that are cheap) are nyx, e.l.f, wet n wild, and revloneye-liner: -favorite eyeliner in the world is urban decay, BUT it is very expensive
                -liquid eyeliner = e.l.f brand. it's only $1 and has the best quality!
               -nyx, cover girl, ulta, and wet n wild are other cheap eye liners
foundation:- i love maybeline liquid moose foundation, it goes on smooth and is perfect for dry skin
                 -for a powder i would say e.l.f once again, it's about 6 dollars and lasts a long time
                 - for a concelear (sorry for the spelling) i love covergirls aquasmooth foundation, it's
                  also a good eye shadow primer
mascarra: this is the ONLY one where I will go the extra buck for because all the cheap mascaras
               seem to flake and smudge and do nothing.
               volume: loreal paris with the red and white tube, (dont have name sorry!)
               natural: SUPER CHEAP!! almay, at the the dollar store in a twisty tube where you can
               choose 1,2, or 3 and it gives a great natural black lash look
               length: maybeline silloutte

hair care:
if you're like me and youre hair gets oily during pregnancy you're lucky and get to use really cheap great smelling shampoo!!
VO5 shampoo and conditioner is only a dollar and has tons of scents to chose from. It controls the oils and still keeps it looking healthy and shiny.
if you're like me before pregnancy and had dry/damaged hair you will need an extra oomph.
favorite brands are herbal essence, pantene, and aussie

as far as styling products go I would say for mouse: herbal essence, hairspray: aussie or garnier, and for a leave in conditioner: aussie, herbal essence, or panetene
*you can pick a specific one based on hair type and what you want to achieve*

SKIN CARE!!
this is my BIGGEST helpful hint for you!!
if you want to prevent or make stretch marks disappear I have some advice
obviously you can't prevent them 100% but you can lessen the chance of them or make the appearance of them look lighter.
burts bees mama bees line is a decent priced line that works amazing, i previously posted a blog about the butter, but now i'm hooked on the oil with vitamin E. it has already made the purple lines i was getting lighter, smells like lemon, and goes a very long way!!

for your face I recomend anything that isn't harsh chemicals. my favorites lately have been clean and clear morning burst shine and burts bees orange facial cleanser. i like the citrus face washes because they wake my skin up.


                

sorry for the delay in posting to any of you who actually read there has been a lot going on that I will post about later on. right now I just was trying to squeeze out some quick tips. I am going to start filming some makeup and hair tutorials and posting them on here. I also am going to start trying to post more frequently again! thanks for reading and hope i helped save you a few dollars!

Been so busy..

busy as a bee you could say. which is what this product is called. well not exactly... It's mama bee belly balm. my camera is dead so no pictures, but its about 10 dollars at target. It's WAY better than cocoa butter and any other lotion. I've used multiple different things but none took away the itch or felt like they were doing anything till one of my friends recommended this. a little goes a long way not to mention and the fact that it not only prevents stretch marks BUT reduces them is a plus. So any of you mommas looking to take away or prevent stretch marks give it a try. I had gotten 3 bright purple stretch marks on each of my hips that after about 12 days of using this product everyday reduced to just lttle faint lines.

6 months sober!

I just wanted to say that today I am 6 months sober. It's been a long journey and to be honest if I didn't get pregnant I wouldn't have stayed sober. So my words of wisdom are just hang in there even though things get harder before they get easier it'll all work out. I'll post about my experience with drugs before but right now I don't want to think about that I just want to be happy and give you all the hope that you can be there to(:

I just love how;

after three years of getting screwed over it just keeps coming. Every single high school stereotypical event happens to me. I had to go through clinical depression, drug addiction, having my parents come home early to a party, high school pregnancy, getting my heart broken by the guy of my dreams, getting knocked up by a guy I could care less about, and now to top it all off I got a speeding ticket today. I swear I'm so done with all this bullshit happening.

My life is just one big drama novel exploding into my life. I wish I could find the time to actually work on my writing and music again and do all the things that use to make me happy and help, but now it just feels like my life consists of working, school, pregnancy side effects (pain, aches, eating, peeing, & sleepiness), and trying to still have a social life. I feel like one of those girls on degrassi except I got all their problems thrown into one.

I'm just sick and tired of getting the bad while my brother (whom dont get me wrong I love to death) got the highschool life of being like #3 in his class, honors/AP classes, got into NC State for engineering, speeds all the time and never gets caught, has the typical highschool non backstabbing druggy friends, and just the simple life of simplicity and perfection while I got the short end of the deal. I think I'm going to write a book on my life and it will be the Chronicle of a High School Screw Up. Sounds bout right? It seems lately I only have time to complain on here; I'm sorry I promise my next post to be happy or helpful. Thanks for listening whoever actually reads this!!!

Exams, SAT, && stupid schools.

Let's start with exams. I find it funny how 99% of the students in my school dont remember the first thing they study in their class (including me). I mean seriously. In english it's hard to remember EVERY single poem, short story, author biography, and so on that they have you read. Not only because you're half alseep as you pretend to pay attention, but because the way we're taught is to learn it, take a test on it, erase, and repeat. I just find it ridiculous how they expect us to take an exam on 18 weeks of that process. Same with math. Formula after formula. I remember a lot of them, I really do, but in pre-cal you get like 343545983 formulas that all just mush together. And also how many times are we going to learn new ways to solve triangles? Geeesh. Alright exam rant = done.

SAT: this isn't really just complaining just information for any other high schoolers out there reading this. I'm planning on taking this test in the spring and have been using the college board site to actually do the study questions/ questions of the day and it is honestly helping. I usually don't study for tests like those because theres not much you can do, but here you can practice for all of the subjects and even take practice exams. Just thought it's worth you guys checking out!

Stupid schools. Oh lord this will be a mouthful. So theres two things bothering me. One; I attend a local community college for my first two classes where I do cosmetology. First off, our teacher leaves us so we have this 60 year old substitue who is racist, deaf, and believe my phone is a calculator... Yeah need I say anymore? Also we have to clock in with an id badge which isn't to hard, but when you switch your scrubs to clothes between schools and switch your scrubs EVERY day it's hard to keep track of the id badge, so if you don't have it you have to stay for no reason and get NO hours. Today I lost my badge, I left though however I will not reveal my excuse, BUT it's just stupid because I could have gotten the 3.5 hours if they just gave them to me without the badge. Especially since I'll miss so many at the end of the year due to being due on May 25 (I get out of school June 10).

To go with the previous paragraph would be my english teacher. So I'm a writer as a hobby and slight profession. I have lyrics professionally recorded and a book going through the process of getting a publisher so please explain how I got a D on my english paper. OH! wait; it's because I got 20 points of because I didn't have proper in text citations (which if she read my rough draft would know I didn't understand how to do in the first place). So she takes 20 points of for that, contradicts herself in multiple sections of the rubric, and doesn't say one positive thing about my 6 page paper on the legend John Lennon. And because this paper was about him (my idol) I worked SOOOO hard on it, on top of a honors math paper, other classwork/hw, and being pregnant so she needs to just learn how to grade/teach. PLUS we NEVER did any writing or essays in that class so how should we know what we need to work on? Oh wait we wrote in journals every day but she never read them. I know this because I cursed like crazy in them and she never caught it. Oh well that's my big old speech of how schools suck.

22 weeks!!

Five and a half months down! I can't believe I only have 18 weeks left, I remember when I found out and I thought oh my god I'm already a month and now it's OMG I have only 4 months left. It's the scariest and most exciting feeling to be pregnant, not only at 16 but at any age. You get filled with fear about going through labor, being responsible for another life, what if somethings wrong, and so on, BUT you also are screaming with excitment and joy and just waiting for that little bundle of joy to get here already.

I feel like my house is slowy being taken over by baby things. Yesterday I bought some up&up brand diapers and cloth diapers (for burping). I've heard a lot of good things about the up&up brand not only that they're cheap but they're really good. So in about 4 months I'll let you know if it's true! I got a pack of 50 for 5 bucks yesterday, even though those will last me like 5 days when hes little it still is a lot cheaper then the like 8-11 dollar packs for the same amount. I also bought Nuk brand bottles. I really like them because they don't have a zillion pieces like the other ones, however I can't really give a proper review until a few more months.

Well that's all I have to ramble about right now! My exams start tomorrow and if Mason finally stops kicking me maybe I can start getting some studying done. Wish me luck.
xoxo Jess

Pregnancy belly button rings

So before I had posted about the belly button ring I got from bodycandy.com and how it looked and felt weird. Well the other night I gave up on it. I was at work and the bottom charm kept falling off and wouldn't stay screwed on. Also it kept sliding up and down and felt like it was ripping out of my skin! It hurt so bad that I finally just put in a simple surgical steal one with a diamond. I know people who kept there belly button ring in until the day they went into labor and they turned out fine so I guess I will too. I just found it so irritating! If anyone has had better luck with them please let me know!! I also think I'm going to try it again when I'm a little bigger.

SCREAM

Broken and breaking my whole life is shaking,
What am I to do?
Each turn I make does no good to me.
I end up the same as before.
My heart gets torn, my eyes get full,
of hot burning tears.
I try and I try,
but it's never enough.
Because everything I do isn't for me.
I do it for you my little boy.
I do it for you my pride and joy.
One day It will all make sense,
but until then I'm stuck crying in sin.
I'll lock my door like I did before,
and cry, so peacefully to sleep.

Yes; a little sinister and not my best poetry since it was pretty much a rhyming vent. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out in all honesty because life's hard. I'm not going to lie and sugar coat; it's fucking hard. When you get pregnant at 16 you have to grow up fast. You can't party, can't date (you can but its complicated), can't go a day without worrying about your baby, can't spend your money on what YOU want, can't stay out all night, can't do anything you use to be able to do. I spend my time at work and school and sleeping and the other 1% trying to still be a 16 year old.

I advise you NOT to get pregnant at 16 (dont get me wrong my baby boy already means the world to me). Obviously I didn't plan this. I did what I could to prevent it, but things happen. And like i said I won't sugar coat it; it sucks. You cry out your eyes and no matter how many tears fall there is no fairy god mother coming to make it better. Reality bites you in the butt and you're done, you grow up and move on. And may I say reality bites HARD.

Within all honesty if the babys father was around I feel this would be easier since it wouldn't all be on me, but theres no chance in hell of that happening so its me against the world, better hold on tight.

Exhausted

For the past days I've been working every single day. Pregnancy + working in a resteraunt sucks because for 4-7 hourse (never knowing when you get off) you have to stand on your feet, you can't sit down for a second and trust me, when you're 5.5 months pregnant it's not your ideal occupation. I've got to stick it out though. I need the money. I got a baby on the way and I got to continue to support my "teen" needs. aka; gas, car insurance, the money I spend going out with friends, etc. Sometimes I wish I was like all the other kids around here where their parents pay for EVERYTHING; from clothes to movies to gas to insurance to anything their heart desires. Then I rememberr I was raised to be independent ( & not spoiled) and handle my own money. I put my money into my savings all the time, but sometimes I fear that won't be enough for my little boy :/ Guess we'll see. I can't wait till I can finish high school, go to ultra sound tech school, and start my new job of not making 3.25 an hour. That's my vent of the morning now I have to go to work.

Sometimes;

I think about all the things I'd do differently. There are so many things I think of.  I think of how different it'd be if i never moved here. I think about my choices i made before in the past years with drugs and drinking, which I have been sober from since July 22 (before I got pregnant). I think about choices Ive made with guys as far as giving them my heart or sex, sorry for my un modesty, or for cheating or screwing over a good guy or getting screwed over. I think about how if I chose to go with my original plans of the night on the night my baby boy was "made" that I wouldn't be having this baby boy. I think about it ALL.

But then I think how everything happens for a reason and after everything Ive been through it's only made me stronger. And now I wouldn't have changed a single thing because every choice I've made have led me to this very second of typing this as a baby boy kicks annoyingly in my tummy. It's the moments like these where I feel him and know that's my baby boy. Even though his dad can't see its our child and only ours doesn't mean that I'm going to be like him and turn my back. Because of this baby me and my parents are closer (yes I know its weird..), my mom and her mom fixed their relationship, i've found who my real friends are, I've grown up, I've continued to stay sober, and I've just become a more reasponsible person. So in my open this baby is a miracle and everything will be okay again one day.

So here are my wise words to you single/teen moms. Hold your head up high and when the world trys to kick your ass turn around and whoop the worlds ass right back! Because this is your life and the only way its going to get better is if you dont let it bring you down and just do your best to make the best out of a situation. It's too late to change it now so you gotta just go with it and do what you can.

Reviews

First off; pregnancy belly button rings. I bought one at bodycandy.com for about $11. It's nice I guess, not much to compare too. Its plastic with a sterling silver heart at the end. I wasn't originally going to get one but I hear its best for when your belly button starts stretching and "popping" out late pregnancy. It's a little uncomfortable now if I bend forward on it and it looks long and ugly on.

Next would be what I got at the consigment shop today. I love consignment shops for baby things!! Don't ever put them down just because there used. Honestly most the stuff looks brand new.

Spider man carrier: 10 dollars

Osh Kosh Outfit: 5 dollars!

I also got cute little boots that are for when hes a little older that are cowboy style with camo for $4 and I also bought a shopping cart cover that was in the box that had toys attatched and a headrest for him for $8.

Consignment shops are so great because you can get jumpers, swings, bouncers, etc for 20-30 bucks. Tons of clothes and shoes and if you go to salvation army you can get baby clothes for a dollar!! Yes $1; and the one by me has wednesdays 50% on all clothes so yes that means you can get sleepers for only $0.50!! Give it a try.

Quote of the week

21 weeks down

21 weeks down and only 19 more to go!! I'm so ready to be done being pregnant, it can seriously be a drag. I want him here so bad already, but at the same time EVERYTHING needs to immediatley slow down, because time is going by so fast and I have exams and work to do on top of getting everything ready.
Pictures from my last ultrasound (dec.28)

This is my baby boy ^^ I'm going to name him : Mason Samuel

It's a boy!!!

He was being so shy about his face!

This boy kicks, does flips, and has a little party!



He was moving so much that I have to go back in a couple weeks to get more pictures. I love getting all these pictures but it's so scary when you have to keep going back. In the beginning I had to go 3 weeks in a row!! Everything was okay but it's just scary. The reason I have to go back is to take pictures of his heart. They saw all 4 chambers, however; it's really hard to get pictures of them when he wiggles all the time.

Introduction

So this is my first posting! I'm excited and I'm going to do my best to build up this blog and fill it up with all the truths about being 16 and pregnant and then for being a teen mom.

To start off my name is Jessica, Jessi for short, and I'm having a little baby boy! He is due May 25, and I'm so excited to have in my life. I'm single, and the father is not going to be involved (his choice, not mine). Anyways I plan on still graduating school. I will be graduating next January and then the fall of 2012 I should be enrolled to take classes to be an ultrasound tech. I work part time at a local restraunt and most of my free time seems to be spent laying around since most of my energy is gone; however, when I do get bursts of energy I'm out with my friends. My parents are there for me and very supportive, I don't know what I'd do without them.

Sounds ideal right? WRONG. My baby won't have there dad, and through all of this I lost the guy (not the dad) who I loved with ALL of my heart. I had to grow up faster then expected and save my money up for baby supplies rather than clothes and going out. As my friend says I'm going to have to go straight to being a "momma momma" rather than a "drama momma". I didn't understand it at first but what he meant was that I have to go from being where drama is the center of my world to where my baby is, pretty much not be a typical teen.

Some days are better than others while some just crush you and bring you straight to tears. Its part being pregnant and full of mood swings, part being a teenager, and part of everything just sucking sometimes. You could say I have bad luck. Fail relationship constantly, drama at high school beyond belief, and a little baby on the way. However, the first two are typical for high school, and the last one may not have been planned, BUT he is my whole world, and NO ONE means anything more to me than him.