AHHHH!

I just want to scream and cry and just flip out. I feel like pregozilla about to attack the world. I keep trying to act like Im perfectly fine but lets face it Im 16, baby-dadless, have HBP, stressed with school, forced to leave work, grandma is in recovery, my feet are swollen, i cant even do the simplest of things without being exhausted, this low sodium diet im on has me sick to my stomach, I get terrible headaches, im exhausted BUT cant sleep and by the time I get to sleep I have to get right back up and get ready for school for where the first 3 hours Im on my feet and around chemicals feeling like I want to throw up and pass out. Its safe to say I just want to be done with being pregnant and school and just stay at home with my baby all day, though Ill regret that in the sense of never having sleep or a moment to myself but its way better and way worth it. I just want to be healthy for him but I feel so sick.... Im sorry all I do is complain on here but honestly no one is reading anyways and plus where else am I supposed to reveal my mood swings.

Worth the risk?

Funny how theres always that one guy that seems to keep coming back into your life. You know the kind that makes you mad and breaks your heart but you love unconditionally and the only people to understand why you do is those who also are in love. And am I stupid for letting him creep back into my life? Probably, but would it be a regret all my life wondering what could of been.

Hes the guy that makes my heart skip a beat just from seeing his name and every love song makes me think of him. No, he isn't my babys father but hes the guy I would want to help me raise him. Hes the guy that loves my songs and his laugh just makes me smile. He understand Im sarcastic and likes my loud awkward giggle when he tickles me. And when we kiss its nothing but sparks.

Yes he left me but how much of that was his control. He moved across the country, not state or town, BUT country and do you expect a 18 year old boy who just met a girl a few weeks before he left to give it all up for her? No, I don't and I don't want him to either. Yeah I wish he could of told me he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore rather than after us being "together" for 6 months and then him just falling off the face of the earth , but things happen and we all do things we wish we didnt. But you just got to let love in and give it a try. Pretty much this is me trying to tell myself Im doing the right thing. I know hes a good guy and hes never cheated or lied and wouldn't even hurt my son, but is it worth the risk of another broken heart?

Apology

Most of my blogs are all rambeling nonsense of my misery it seems and I apologize that all you read of me are my negative thoughts so here is one on the happiest part of my life with pictures!

thats my baby boy. The sunshine of my life. He has my dimple and nose and my grandfathers chin. He loves to kick my belly and dance around the classic rock and country. Hes just like his momma, a lil bit country a lil bit rock n roll <3

this is mason samuel mervine throwing up a peace sign, yeah thats right my baby boy is throwing up a peace sign already(:






This is my belly that continues to expand every single day it seems

Masons incredibly cute shoes

The diaper cake my momma made him

And then pregnant chubby me(:

I wish

I wish I had more time in a day.
I wish my car wasn't in the shop.
I wish gas wasn't so expensive.
I wish SAT prep didn't give me a headache.
I wish I wasn't worrying about everything.
I wish I had someone to talk.
I wish I wasn't crying.
I wish he was still in my life because I know I'd feel alright.
I wish he was my baby's dad, and not this guy who just walked away.
I wish my grandmother would just get better.
I wish my mom would come home because I miss her.
I just wish I could stop wishing all these things.
I wish wishes came true...

In the end

In the end it doesn't really matter,
Doesn't matter what you said because you already said it.
Doesn't matter what you did because you already did it.
And once somethings done its done, simple as that.
As far as I know there isn't a time machine laying around there to save you from your "mistakes"
Then again, if we didn't have regrets of the things done we wouldn't know what to become.
The point of this is, is that the past holds so many good and bad things that it's neither good nor bad to focus on it. However, to focus nearly on the present isn't right either since if you just live for the moment you'll have nothing to look forward to, dream of, or work for.
I've lived my life in all different stages;
where I was nostalgic of my past leading me to depression
where I was living only for the moment leading me to drugs
& where I was living for the future, only getting me no where but wanting to speed up
I don't have the perfect balance,
but the only thing I do have is the memories of hopefully recovering grandmother,
the excitment for my baby boy on his way,
and time running out to get ready for work.
I'm not sure what my point was,
it was more of a my mind is on a rambeling spin so let me type as fast I can and see where it gets me.
Well, that's all.
xoxo

Out of my control

The worst things in life are the ones where you can't control them, or don't even have the option too. Most things in life you have some say in it. Drugs, let's say you chose to take them and maybe you're addicted but it's youre choice to keep going and not get help. Lying, you chose to lie and you have to live with the guilt, but it was your choice. Pregnancy, you can't neccesarily control getting pregnant to an extent, but you can chose what you do from that point forward, keeping the baby (abortion/adoption), raising the baby and being a good mother and doing what's best for the child. School, to an extent it's youre choice, are you going to stay enrolled, are you going to do youre homework and study, are you going to get the best education so you're future will be easier? But the one thing you can't control is death.

Over the past few weeks things have been crazy. My beloved step grandma had a stroke and is on a roller coaster of if she is going to make it or not. A week after her stroke, one of my very close friend's brother passed. Though I didn't know him well I knew him and had memories of him and I was obviously sad. My more pain was for her since I have a brother and couldn't imagine losing him, and because with death in the air my mind was in the same state as hers. Currently my grandma is still hanging and hopefully will be strong and pull through. There's nothing I can do about it and that's the worst part. All I can do is hope for the best. I would say she's in my prays, but (and please don't judge me) I fail to believe in god with my past and just hope that the universe knows what there doing in making this amazing lady suffer.

To all of you who have lost a loved one you understand how powerless you feel in a situation like this. And I can't help but recall that night before where it was the first time I ever took of the locket she gave me, and then the next morning this happened. I know it wasn't my fault, but it still shakes me up.

Well lots of love to all <3

Are you on a budget?

If you're a teen, a mom, or both you are most likely on a budget. You want the nice clothes, make up, hair care supplies, and all that other jazz but don't wanna break the bank. Well I've got a few products that will just make your day then.

Make-up:
For your make up there are some things you can go cheap on and some you can't.

eye-shadow:- if you like lots of different looks and colors check on coastal scents 88 pallett
                    it's about $15 and is great quality, plus you get tons of colors so you can do any look
                    - other good eye-shadow brands (that are cheap) are nyx, e.l.f, wet n wild, and revloneye-liner: -favorite eyeliner in the world is urban decay, BUT it is very expensive
                -liquid eyeliner = e.l.f brand. it's only $1 and has the best quality!
               -nyx, cover girl, ulta, and wet n wild are other cheap eye liners
foundation:- i love maybeline liquid moose foundation, it goes on smooth and is perfect for dry skin
                 -for a powder i would say e.l.f once again, it's about 6 dollars and lasts a long time
                 - for a concelear (sorry for the spelling) i love covergirls aquasmooth foundation, it's
                  also a good eye shadow primer
mascarra: this is the ONLY one where I will go the extra buck for because all the cheap mascaras
               seem to flake and smudge and do nothing.
               volume: loreal paris with the red and white tube, (dont have name sorry!)
               natural: SUPER CHEAP!! almay, at the the dollar store in a twisty tube where you can
               choose 1,2, or 3 and it gives a great natural black lash look
               length: maybeline silloutte

hair care:
if you're like me and youre hair gets oily during pregnancy you're lucky and get to use really cheap great smelling shampoo!!
VO5 shampoo and conditioner is only a dollar and has tons of scents to chose from. It controls the oils and still keeps it looking healthy and shiny.
if you're like me before pregnancy and had dry/damaged hair you will need an extra oomph.
favorite brands are herbal essence, pantene, and aussie

as far as styling products go I would say for mouse: herbal essence, hairspray: aussie or garnier, and for a leave in conditioner: aussie, herbal essence, or panetene
*you can pick a specific one based on hair type and what you want to achieve*

SKIN CARE!!
this is my BIGGEST helpful hint for you!!
if you want to prevent or make stretch marks disappear I have some advice
obviously you can't prevent them 100% but you can lessen the chance of them or make the appearance of them look lighter.
burts bees mama bees line is a decent priced line that works amazing, i previously posted a blog about the butter, but now i'm hooked on the oil with vitamin E. it has already made the purple lines i was getting lighter, smells like lemon, and goes a very long way!!

for your face I recomend anything that isn't harsh chemicals. my favorites lately have been clean and clear morning burst shine and burts bees orange facial cleanser. i like the citrus face washes because they wake my skin up.


                

sorry for the delay in posting to any of you who actually read there has been a lot going on that I will post about later on. right now I just was trying to squeeze out some quick tips. I am going to start filming some makeup and hair tutorials and posting them on here. I also am going to start trying to post more frequently again! thanks for reading and hope i helped save you a few dollars!