Saturday, January 22, 2011
6 months sober!
I just wanted to say that today I am 6 months sober. It's been a long journey and to be honest if I didn't get pregnant I wouldn't have stayed sober. So my words of wisdom are just hang in there even though things get harder before they get easier it'll all work out. I'll post about my experience with drugs before but right now I don't want to think about that I just want to be happy and give you all the hope that you can be there to(:
Friday, January 21, 2011
I just love how;
after three years of getting screwed over it just keeps coming. Every single high school stereotypical event happens to me. I had to go through clinical depression, drug addiction, having my parents come home early to a party, high school pregnancy, getting my heart broken by the guy of my dreams, getting knocked up by a guy I could care less about, and now to top it all off I got a speeding ticket today. I swear I'm so done with all this bullshit happening.
My life is just one big drama novel exploding into my life. I wish I could find the time to actually work on my writing and music again and do all the things that use to make me happy and help, but now it just feels like my life consists of working, school, pregnancy side effects (pain, aches, eating, peeing, & sleepiness), and trying to still have a social life. I feel like one of those girls on degrassi except I got all their problems thrown into one.
I'm just sick and tired of getting the bad while my brother (whom dont get me wrong I love to death) got the highschool life of being like #3 in his class, honors/AP classes, got into NC State for engineering, speeds all the time and never gets caught, has the typical highschool non backstabbing druggy friends, and just the simple life of simplicity and perfection while I got the short end of the deal. I think I'm going to write a book on my life and it will be the Chronicle of a High School Screw Up. Sounds bout right? It seems lately I only have time to complain on here; I'm sorry I promise my next post to be happy or helpful. Thanks for listening whoever actually reads this!!!
My life is just one big drama novel exploding into my life. I wish I could find the time to actually work on my writing and music again and do all the things that use to make me happy and help, but now it just feels like my life consists of working, school, pregnancy side effects (pain, aches, eating, peeing, & sleepiness), and trying to still have a social life. I feel like one of those girls on degrassi except I got all their problems thrown into one.
I'm just sick and tired of getting the bad while my brother (whom dont get me wrong I love to death) got the highschool life of being like #3 in his class, honors/AP classes, got into NC State for engineering, speeds all the time and never gets caught, has the typical highschool non backstabbing druggy friends, and just the simple life of simplicity and perfection while I got the short end of the deal. I think I'm going to write a book on my life and it will be the Chronicle of a High School Screw Up. Sounds bout right? It seems lately I only have time to complain on here; I'm sorry I promise my next post to be happy or helpful. Thanks for listening whoever actually reads this!!!
Exams, SAT, && stupid schools.
Let's start with exams. I find it funny how 99% of the students in my school dont remember the first thing they study in their class (including me). I mean seriously. In english it's hard to remember EVERY single poem, short story, author biography, and so on that they have you read. Not only because you're half alseep as you pretend to pay attention, but because the way we're taught is to learn it, take a test on it, erase, and repeat. I just find it ridiculous how they expect us to take an exam on 18 weeks of that process. Same with math. Formula after formula. I remember a lot of them, I really do, but in pre-cal you get like 343545983 formulas that all just mush together. And also how many times are we going to learn new ways to solve triangles? Geeesh. Alright exam rant = done.
SAT: this isn't really just complaining just information for any other high schoolers out there reading this. I'm planning on taking this test in the spring and have been using the college board site to actually do the study questions/ questions of the day and it is honestly helping. I usually don't study for tests like those because theres not much you can do, but here you can practice for all of the subjects and even take practice exams. Just thought it's worth you guys checking out!
Stupid schools. Oh lord this will be a mouthful. So theres two things bothering me. One; I attend a local community college for my first two classes where I do cosmetology. First off, our teacher leaves us so we have this 60 year old substitue who is racist, deaf, and believe my phone is a calculator... Yeah need I say anymore? Also we have to clock in with an id badge which isn't to hard, but when you switch your scrubs to clothes between schools and switch your scrubs EVERY day it's hard to keep track of the id badge, so if you don't have it you have to stay for no reason and get NO hours. Today I lost my badge, I left though however I will not reveal my excuse, BUT it's just stupid because I could have gotten the 3.5 hours if they just gave them to me without the badge. Especially since I'll miss so many at the end of the year due to being due on May 25 (I get out of school June 10).
To go with the previous paragraph would be my english teacher. So I'm a writer as a hobby and slight profession. I have lyrics professionally recorded and a book going through the process of getting a publisher so please explain how I got a D on my english paper. OH! wait; it's because I got 20 points of because I didn't have proper in text citations (which if she read my rough draft would know I didn't understand how to do in the first place). So she takes 20 points of for that, contradicts herself in multiple sections of the rubric, and doesn't say one positive thing about my 6 page paper on the legend John Lennon. And because this paper was about him (my idol) I worked SOOOO hard on it, on top of a honors math paper, other classwork/hw, and being pregnant so she needs to just learn how to grade/teach. PLUS we NEVER did any writing or essays in that class so how should we know what we need to work on? Oh wait we wrote in journals every day but she never read them. I know this because I cursed like crazy in them and she never caught it. Oh well that's my big old speech of how schools suck.
SAT: this isn't really just complaining just information for any other high schoolers out there reading this. I'm planning on taking this test in the spring and have been using the college board site to actually do the study questions/ questions of the day and it is honestly helping. I usually don't study for tests like those because theres not much you can do, but here you can practice for all of the subjects and even take practice exams. Just thought it's worth you guys checking out!
Stupid schools. Oh lord this will be a mouthful. So theres two things bothering me. One; I attend a local community college for my first two classes where I do cosmetology. First off, our teacher leaves us so we have this 60 year old substitue who is racist, deaf, and believe my phone is a calculator... Yeah need I say anymore? Also we have to clock in with an id badge which isn't to hard, but when you switch your scrubs to clothes between schools and switch your scrubs EVERY day it's hard to keep track of the id badge, so if you don't have it you have to stay for no reason and get NO hours. Today I lost my badge, I left though however I will not reveal my excuse, BUT it's just stupid because I could have gotten the 3.5 hours if they just gave them to me without the badge. Especially since I'll miss so many at the end of the year due to being due on May 25 (I get out of school June 10).
To go with the previous paragraph would be my english teacher. So I'm a writer as a hobby and slight profession. I have lyrics professionally recorded and a book going through the process of getting a publisher so please explain how I got a D on my english paper. OH! wait; it's because I got 20 points of because I didn't have proper in text citations (which if she read my rough draft would know I didn't understand how to do in the first place). So she takes 20 points of for that, contradicts herself in multiple sections of the rubric, and doesn't say one positive thing about my 6 page paper on the legend John Lennon. And because this paper was about him (my idol) I worked SOOOO hard on it, on top of a honors math paper, other classwork/hw, and being pregnant so she needs to just learn how to grade/teach. PLUS we NEVER did any writing or essays in that class so how should we know what we need to work on? Oh wait we wrote in journals every day but she never read them. I know this because I cursed like crazy in them and she never caught it. Oh well that's my big old speech of how schools suck.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
22 weeks!!
Five and a half months down! I can't believe I only have 18 weeks left, I remember when I found out and I thought oh my god I'm already a month and now it's OMG I have only 4 months left. It's the scariest and most exciting feeling to be pregnant, not only at 16 but at any age. You get filled with fear about going through labor, being responsible for another life, what if somethings wrong, and so on, BUT you also are screaming with excitment and joy and just waiting for that little bundle of joy to get here already.
I feel like my house is slowy being taken over by baby things. Yesterday I bought some up&up brand diapers and cloth diapers (for burping). I've heard a lot of good things about the up&up brand not only that they're cheap but they're really good. So in about 4 months I'll let you know if it's true! I got a pack of 50 for 5 bucks yesterday, even though those will last me like 5 days when hes little it still is a lot cheaper then the like 8-11 dollar packs for the same amount. I also bought Nuk brand bottles. I really like them because they don't have a zillion pieces like the other ones, however I can't really give a proper review until a few more months.
Well that's all I have to ramble about right now! My exams start tomorrow and if Mason finally stops kicking me maybe I can start getting some studying done. Wish me luck.
xoxo Jess
I feel like my house is slowy being taken over by baby things. Yesterday I bought some up&up brand diapers and cloth diapers (for burping). I've heard a lot of good things about the up&up brand not only that they're cheap but they're really good. So in about 4 months I'll let you know if it's true! I got a pack of 50 for 5 bucks yesterday, even though those will last me like 5 days when hes little it still is a lot cheaper then the like 8-11 dollar packs for the same amount. I also bought Nuk brand bottles. I really like them because they don't have a zillion pieces like the other ones, however I can't really give a proper review until a few more months.
Well that's all I have to ramble about right now! My exams start tomorrow and if Mason finally stops kicking me maybe I can start getting some studying done. Wish me luck.
xoxo Jess
Pregnancy belly button rings
So before I had posted about the belly button ring I got from bodycandy.com and how it looked and felt weird. Well the other night I gave up on it. I was at work and the bottom charm kept falling off and wouldn't stay screwed on. Also it kept sliding up and down and felt like it was ripping out of my skin! It hurt so bad that I finally just put in a simple surgical steal one with a diamond. I know people who kept there belly button ring in until the day they went into labor and they turned out fine so I guess I will too. I just found it so irritating! If anyone has had better luck with them please let me know!! I also think I'm going to try it again when I'm a little bigger.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
SCREAM
Broken and breaking my whole life is shaking,
What am I to do?
Each turn I make does no good to me.
I end up the same as before.
My heart gets torn, my eyes get full,
of hot burning tears.
I try and I try,
but it's never enough.
Because everything I do isn't for me.
I do it for you my little boy.
I do it for you my pride and joy.
One day It will all make sense,
but until then I'm stuck crying in sin.
I'll lock my door like I did before,
and cry, so peacefully to sleep.
Yes; a little sinister and not my best poetry since it was pretty much a rhyming vent. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out in all honesty because life's hard. I'm not going to lie and sugar coat; it's fucking hard. When you get pregnant at 16 you have to grow up fast. You can't party, can't date (you can but its complicated), can't go a day without worrying about your baby, can't spend your money on what YOU want, can't stay out all night, can't do anything you use to be able to do. I spend my time at work and school and sleeping and the other 1% trying to still be a 16 year old.
I advise you NOT to get pregnant at 16 (dont get me wrong my baby boy already means the world to me). Obviously I didn't plan this. I did what I could to prevent it, but things happen. And like i said I won't sugar coat it; it sucks. You cry out your eyes and no matter how many tears fall there is no fairy god mother coming to make it better. Reality bites you in the butt and you're done, you grow up and move on. And may I say reality bites HARD.
Within all honesty if the babys father was around I feel this would be easier since it wouldn't all be on me, but theres no chance in hell of that happening so its me against the world, better hold on tight.
What am I to do?
Each turn I make does no good to me.
I end up the same as before.
My heart gets torn, my eyes get full,
of hot burning tears.
I try and I try,
but it's never enough.
Because everything I do isn't for me.
I do it for you my little boy.
I do it for you my pride and joy.
One day It will all make sense,
but until then I'm stuck crying in sin.
I'll lock my door like I did before,
and cry, so peacefully to sleep.
Yes; a little sinister and not my best poetry since it was pretty much a rhyming vent. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out in all honesty because life's hard. I'm not going to lie and sugar coat; it's fucking hard. When you get pregnant at 16 you have to grow up fast. You can't party, can't date (you can but its complicated), can't go a day without worrying about your baby, can't spend your money on what YOU want, can't stay out all night, can't do anything you use to be able to do. I spend my time at work and school and sleeping and the other 1% trying to still be a 16 year old.
I advise you NOT to get pregnant at 16 (dont get me wrong my baby boy already means the world to me). Obviously I didn't plan this. I did what I could to prevent it, but things happen. And like i said I won't sugar coat it; it sucks. You cry out your eyes and no matter how many tears fall there is no fairy god mother coming to make it better. Reality bites you in the butt and you're done, you grow up and move on. And may I say reality bites HARD.
Within all honesty if the babys father was around I feel this would be easier since it wouldn't all be on me, but theres no chance in hell of that happening so its me against the world, better hold on tight.
Exhausted
For the past days I've been working every single day. Pregnancy + working in a resteraunt sucks because for 4-7 hourse (never knowing when you get off) you have to stand on your feet, you can't sit down for a second and trust me, when you're 5.5 months pregnant it's not your ideal occupation. I've got to stick it out though. I need the money. I got a baby on the way and I got to continue to support my "teen" needs. aka; gas, car insurance, the money I spend going out with friends, etc. Sometimes I wish I was like all the other kids around here where their parents pay for EVERYTHING; from clothes to movies to gas to insurance to anything their heart desires. Then I rememberr I was raised to be independent ( & not spoiled) and handle my own money. I put my money into my savings all the time, but sometimes I fear that won't be enough for my little boy :/ Guess we'll see. I can't wait till I can finish high school, go to ultra sound tech school, and start my new job of not making 3.25 an hour. That's my vent of the morning now I have to go to work.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Sometimes;
I think about all the things I'd do differently. There are so many things I think of. I think of how different it'd be if i never moved here. I think about my choices i made before in the past years with drugs and drinking, which I have been sober from since July 22 (before I got pregnant). I think about choices Ive made with guys as far as giving them my heart or sex, sorry for my un modesty, or for cheating or screwing over a good guy or getting screwed over. I think about how if I chose to go with my original plans of the night on the night my baby boy was "made" that I wouldn't be having this baby boy. I think about it ALL.
But then I think how everything happens for a reason and after everything Ive been through it's only made me stronger. And now I wouldn't have changed a single thing because every choice I've made have led me to this very second of typing this as a baby boy kicks annoyingly in my tummy. It's the moments like these where I feel him and know that's my baby boy. Even though his dad can't see its our child and only ours doesn't mean that I'm going to be like him and turn my back. Because of this baby me and my parents are closer (yes I know its weird..), my mom and her mom fixed their relationship, i've found who my real friends are, I've grown up, I've continued to stay sober, and I've just become a more reasponsible person. So in my open this baby is a miracle and everything will be okay again one day.
So here are my wise words to you single/teen moms. Hold your head up high and when the world trys to kick your ass turn around and whoop the worlds ass right back! Because this is your life and the only way its going to get better is if you dont let it bring you down and just do your best to make the best out of a situation. It's too late to change it now so you gotta just go with it and do what you can.
But then I think how everything happens for a reason and after everything Ive been through it's only made me stronger. And now I wouldn't have changed a single thing because every choice I've made have led me to this very second of typing this as a baby boy kicks annoyingly in my tummy. It's the moments like these where I feel him and know that's my baby boy. Even though his dad can't see its our child and only ours doesn't mean that I'm going to be like him and turn my back. Because of this baby me and my parents are closer (yes I know its weird..), my mom and her mom fixed their relationship, i've found who my real friends are, I've grown up, I've continued to stay sober, and I've just become a more reasponsible person. So in my open this baby is a miracle and everything will be okay again one day.
So here are my wise words to you single/teen moms. Hold your head up high and when the world trys to kick your ass turn around and whoop the worlds ass right back! Because this is your life and the only way its going to get better is if you dont let it bring you down and just do your best to make the best out of a situation. It's too late to change it now so you gotta just go with it and do what you can.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Reviews
First off; pregnancy belly button rings. I bought one at bodycandy.com for about $11. It's nice I guess, not much to compare too. Its plastic with a sterling silver heart at the end. I wasn't originally going to get one but I hear its best for when your belly button starts stretching and "popping" out late pregnancy. It's a little uncomfortable now if I bend forward on it and it looks long and ugly on.
Next would be what I got at the consigment shop today. I love consignment shops for baby things!! Don't ever put them down just because there used. Honestly most the stuff looks brand new.
Spider man carrier: 10 dollars
Osh Kosh Outfit: 5 dollars!
I also got cute little boots that are for when hes a little older that are cowboy style with camo for $4 and I also bought a shopping cart cover that was in the box that had toys attatched and a headrest for him for $8.
Consignment shops are so great because you can get jumpers, swings, bouncers, etc for 20-30 bucks. Tons of clothes and shoes and if you go to salvation army you can get baby clothes for a dollar!! Yes $1; and the one by me has wednesdays 50% on all clothes so yes that means you can get sleepers for only $0.50!! Give it a try.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
21 weeks down
21 weeks down and only 19 more to go!! I'm so ready to be done being pregnant, it can seriously be a drag. I want him here so bad already, but at the same time EVERYTHING needs to immediatley slow down, because time is going by so fast and I have exams and work to do on top of getting everything ready.
Pictures from my last ultrasound (dec.28)
Pictures from my last ultrasound (dec.28)
This is my baby boy ^^ I'm going to name him : Mason Samuel
It's a boy!!!
He was being so shy about his face!
This boy kicks, does flips, and has a little party!
He was moving so much that I have to go back in a couple weeks to get more pictures. I love getting all these pictures but it's so scary when you have to keep going back. In the beginning I had to go 3 weeks in a row!! Everything was okay but it's just scary. The reason I have to go back is to take pictures of his heart. They saw all 4 chambers, however; it's really hard to get pictures of them when he wiggles all the time.
Introduction
So this is my first posting! I'm excited and I'm going to do my best to build up this blog and fill it up with all the truths about being 16 and pregnant and then for being a teen mom.
To start off my name is Jessica, Jessi for short, and I'm having a little baby boy! He is due May 25, and I'm so excited to have in my life. I'm single, and the father is not going to be involved (his choice, not mine). Anyways I plan on still graduating school. I will be graduating next January and then the fall of 2012 I should be enrolled to take classes to be an ultrasound tech. I work part time at a local restraunt and most of my free time seems to be spent laying around since most of my energy is gone; however, when I do get bursts of energy I'm out with my friends. My parents are there for me and very supportive, I don't know what I'd do without them.
Sounds ideal right? WRONG. My baby won't have there dad, and through all of this I lost the guy (not the dad) who I loved with ALL of my heart. I had to grow up faster then expected and save my money up for baby supplies rather than clothes and going out. As my friend says I'm going to have to go straight to being a "momma momma" rather than a "drama momma". I didn't understand it at first but what he meant was that I have to go from being where drama is the center of my world to where my baby is, pretty much not be a typical teen.
Some days are better than others while some just crush you and bring you straight to tears. Its part being pregnant and full of mood swings, part being a teenager, and part of everything just sucking sometimes. You could say I have bad luck. Fail relationship constantly, drama at high school beyond belief, and a little baby on the way. However, the first two are typical for high school, and the last one may not have been planned, BUT he is my whole world, and NO ONE means anything more to me than him.
To start off my name is Jessica, Jessi for short, and I'm having a little baby boy! He is due May 25, and I'm so excited to have in my life. I'm single, and the father is not going to be involved (his choice, not mine). Anyways I plan on still graduating school. I will be graduating next January and then the fall of 2012 I should be enrolled to take classes to be an ultrasound tech. I work part time at a local restraunt and most of my free time seems to be spent laying around since most of my energy is gone; however, when I do get bursts of energy I'm out with my friends. My parents are there for me and very supportive, I don't know what I'd do without them.
Sounds ideal right? WRONG. My baby won't have there dad, and through all of this I lost the guy (not the dad) who I loved with ALL of my heart. I had to grow up faster then expected and save my money up for baby supplies rather than clothes and going out. As my friend says I'm going to have to go straight to being a "momma momma" rather than a "drama momma". I didn't understand it at first but what he meant was that I have to go from being where drama is the center of my world to where my baby is, pretty much not be a typical teen.
Some days are better than others while some just crush you and bring you straight to tears. Its part being pregnant and full of mood swings, part being a teenager, and part of everything just sucking sometimes. You could say I have bad luck. Fail relationship constantly, drama at high school beyond belief, and a little baby on the way. However, the first two are typical for high school, and the last one may not have been planned, BUT he is my whole world, and NO ONE means anything more to me than him.
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